Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
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I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
Come back with a warrant
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”