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*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
Mornin
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.