You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
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casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
A tragic love story in two pictures.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
I’d … I’d rather not.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try