Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
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A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March