“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
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Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.