Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
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[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job