Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
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“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
is this a threat
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.