don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
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never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
#parenting
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.