Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
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If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
I’m too immature for adultery.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.