7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
You Might Also Like
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
Hank is one in a melon.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.