Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
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“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time