One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
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[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”