Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
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My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine