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Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
? 💀
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
*mops up wine with cat*
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.