Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
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*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
worst…sale…ever
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
I only eat vegetarians.
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that