last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
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My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?