Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
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Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
How do dragons blow out candles?
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.