me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
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If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
Omg 🤣
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.