The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
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My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
Aight bet
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
Nomnomnomnom
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.