despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
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DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
every college guy’s fridge
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
thanksgiving in nutshell
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.