I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
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Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
checking out some reviews of my local library
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
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[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.