Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
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Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook