kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
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My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…