My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
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if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
excuse me
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off