I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
You Might Also Like
I know
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
incredible book dedication
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows