JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
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one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
me when the borders lift
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒