My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
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Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
i like to flex on them by shrugging
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
This forever.
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?