Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
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Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.