You Might Also Like
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
how was your vacation
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”