<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
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*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
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Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
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COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
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DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
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You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
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Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
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