I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
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“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
A huge thanks to the person that did this
who called it hell and not heaven’t
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy