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Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow