Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
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A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.