*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
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🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
I’m just playing devils avocado here