“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
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ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week