Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
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If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.