This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
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It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords