Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
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According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
Super Hand Dog Face
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out