Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
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Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
BRO LMFAO
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.