Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
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Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash