wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
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I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is