A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
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for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.