Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
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facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.