Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
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Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.