I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
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I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
🤣🤣💀
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.