Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
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If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
Mornin. * use accordingly
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
Eat…
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.