“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
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DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.