incredible text to wake up to
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Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?