[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
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Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
me and my fake scenarios
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.