[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
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Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan